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singularly satisfied.

satisfied.
Something about the word just stirs me deep in my soul. I see the world around me running at a frantic pace in search of satisfaction.

Commercials tell us this thing or that thing will satisfy us, books tell us that this lifestyle or that diet will satisfy us, we reach for this job or that degree or those relationships to satisfy us. But every time we jump a fence we discover that the grass is not actually greener on the other side. 
We remain unsatisfied. We even have a song all about how "I can't get no satisfaction."

I can't sing that song. Not because it's a 1965 rock song, but because it isn't true for me. I can get satisfaction. I am, in fact, satisfied. Deeply, securely, forever, singularly satisfied.

Why the focus on singularly? I'm so glad you asked! See, I got the idea for this blog post on Valentine's Day. 
As a single person. 
Again/still. 
My social media was filled to overflowing with two basic themes: "I'm so lucky, you make me so happy, yay we're in love" or "this is depressing, I don't have anyone, guess I'll stuff my face with ice cream." And I realized that the satisfaction I have found in Jesus runs so much deeper than either of those things. 

Don't get me wrong, singleness is NOT easy for me. My life plan had me married by the time I was 20 or 21, with kids to quickly follow. I was going to have some, adopt some, and by this time in my life definitely figured I'd be busy raising about a dozen little people. God's got a great sense of humor, right?!

Also, please understand: I am not looking for pity or for praise from this. The Lord has been nudging me toward writing about these things for a while, and I've been dragging my feet. There is a whole world of voices out there giving great relationship advice, addressing using singleness wisely, talking about dating and marrying in God-honoring ways. Soon I'll do a blog post listing some of those resources. I have no desire to try to add to what's already out there. 

But in that chorus of voices, I feel like one is missing. Not necessarily mine, specifically, but the voice of someone who is a little "older" and still single. Most of the stuff being written is either by married people, looking back and encouraging the rest of us that "it will be worth it!", or by really young singles who still have stars in their eyes and are in love with the idea of love. 

I'm neither of those. 

I also don't fall into the camp of women still single by choice because "I'm a strong, independent woman and I don't need no man!" Ummm, okay. First of all, let's talk about your grammar.

So, here goes nothing: a brief series of blog posts, this one being the first; my attempt to capture the reality of life as someone who is single well past when she expected to be, and who really wants to be married. Preferably soon. My goal is to be uncomfortably honest, vulnerable, real, raw. It's not always sunshine and roses on this path. But even on the cloudy days when I find myself crying myself to sleep because "I feel like expired milk" (actual words from an actual journal entry, y'all), I come back to this:

I don't live life for the sake of catching a husband. I live it for the sake of Jesus, who has already caught me. 
I have found a hiding place. It is a place of deepest peace as I rest in the overwhelming love of my Jesus. It is the place where Jesus calls me to come and die an ever deeper death. It is the place where I find that He is truly all I need; that I am dead, and my life is hid with Christ in God, and He is indeed my life.

Those are also actual words from an actual journal entry. Because beyond any doubt (and believe me, I have them!) my soul continually returns to a place of being, truly, singularly satisfied.

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