Yep. Buckle up, we're going there.
This post might get a little uncomfortable, but it's a topic that can't exactly be ignored! And, as I said at the beginning of this little "series" earlier this year, "my goal is to be uncomfortably honest, vulnerable, real, raw." Besides, the world is talking about sex all the time, and if we as Jesus-followers don't talk about it from a Jesus-perspective, the world is going to shape the views and opinions of sex for an entire generation. Or two. Or more.
Let's start with some basic statements just for the sake of clarity:
1. Sex is God's idea, and it is good. All through the Bible, from Adam & Eve being "naked & unashamed" in the garden of Eden (Genesis 2), to the graphic love poetry of Song of Solomon, to Paul exhorting husbands and wives to freely share their bodies with one another in 1 Corinthians 7, the Bible paints a picture of sex within marriage being good, beautiful, encouraged, and even holy. Sex is not some dirty little secret thing that shouldn't be mentioned.
2. Sexual activity outside of God's plan, marriage, is wrong. I know it's not the popular opinion, but last time I checked the Lord wasn't taking votes for what the rules should be. However, to reiterate: it's not wrong because "sex is dirty"; it's wrong because it's outside of God's plan for sex. Fire is fire and it's pretty amazing, but there are right places to have fires and wrong places to have fires. Outside of marriage is the wrong place for sex. There is a lot of Biblical basis for this, but some good places to start are 1 Corinthians 6, Colossians 3, and Galatians 5. I'm not going to go into depth on it here because volumes have already been written, and the Bible itself is pretty black and white on the subject. If you have questions about this, feel free to send them my way!
3. If you have already had sex outside of marriage, Jesus offers redemption. I want to say this loud and clear, and as close to the beginning as I can, because I want to make sure anyone reading this knows that there is no judgment coming from this corner if you've done things you regret in ANY area of your life, including sex. Yes, sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong; but since Jesus' statement to a woman literally caught in the act of adultery is written down for us to read, we are not left to wonder about what His reaction to it would be. He silenced her accusers, and then He said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more." (John 8:11)
Just in case no one has ever told you, here's the best news in the world: God loves every single one of us so much that He made a solution for the sin-mess we created, which separates us from God, by sending Jesus to die on a cross to pay for OUR sin so we could have a close relationship with Him, both now and for eternity. Jesus came back to life after being dead for 3 days and now, when we put our trust in Him and what He did to pay for our sin instead of stubbornly trying to create our own solution, He gives us the Holy Spirit to live in us and empower us to live lives of freedom and victory over sin. If you want to know more about that, please feel free to contact me (my e-mail is rejoicingcomet@gmail.com) because I would love nothing more than to introduce you to my best friend, Jesus, the Rescuer and Savior of the world.
Okay. Now that the generic basics have been covered, let's get into some specific questions that need answering.
If I'm single, is it bad or wrong to have a sex drive/acknowledge sexual desire?
Although I am 100% positive that I have teenagers in my life who *think* I don't have a sex drive (they're definitely wrong!), I don't believe an argument can be Biblically made that sexual desire is a sin. What we do with that desire absolutely matters, but having it is part of being human. If our sex drive was something that didn't activate until we got married, nobody would be married, y'all. Just saying.
In the same vein, we can't go through singleness trying to deny that we feel sexual desire. We don't want to give in to it, and so dwelling on it is not a great idea, but living in denial also leaves us open to a whole world of temptation because what is kept in the dark grows into a powerful thing that can overtake us. However, if we "live in the light" in every way, we are infused with the power of the Holy Spirit to resist the temptation that pulls at us.
One of the most freeing, empowering things I've learned to do is take my sexual desire to Jesus. I'm human; I want to be loved and touched and wanted in intimate ways. Sometimes it's a desire so strong it creates a physical ache. And if I either dwell on it or deny it, I get sucked into trying to meet those desires in superficial ways. But, if I will get real, embarrassingly honest with Jesus, the powerful pull of that desire is broken. Yes, sometimes that literally means saying, "Jesus, I'd really like to be having sex right now." And He just kind of chuckles and says, "I know. Thank you for trusting Me with that." (no, not out loud, and that's not a direct quote, either. Hopefully you get the point.)
The second most freeing, empowering thing I've learned to do is to seek out accountability. You'll notice I'm not sharing any details of what my specific struggle with sexual temptation is. That's because 1) everyone's struggle is different but the principles are the same and 2) the whole world doesn't need to know the details of my (or your) struggle. However, it is absolutely crucial that there be somebody who does know. My best friend is the BEST at this; she is amazing at offering grace and truth (usually with a healthy dose of sarcasm). Yes, the conversations have been really awkward at times, but I have never regretted bringing things into the light through confessing to her. Again, when we bring things into the light, the power that they hold over us is broken, and the shame that we've attached to them begins to disappear. So please, I beg of you: find someone you trust who will ask you the hard questions and look into your eyes no matter how awkward it feels and speak love and truth into your life. And whatever your specific struggle may be, know that freedom is well worth the fight.
Why does sexual purity matter?
First of all, the goal is not just to make it my wedding night still a virgin. I think purity goes far beyond illicit sexual activity. Purity extends to my words and my thoughts; the things I look at, read, listen to, dwell on, or imagine. It's less about making sure I don't "go too far" and more about seeking to honor God to the greatest degree possible in every area of my life.
Also, I don't know by experience, but I don't actually believe that sex is somehow more enjoyable if you wait until you're married. I think of it sort of like this: sweet things are good. Dessert is delicious. It doesn't really matter if I eat my cheesecake before or after dinner, it's going to taste amazing. Similarly, I believe God designed sex to be a pleasant experience and it probably feels pretty good whether you follow His plan for it or not. I know, I just shocked a lot of youth pastors and every church kid who ever heard the "wait for marriage and it will be better" speech. Sorry, but I don't see that in the Bible.
However, here's what I do see in the Bible:
Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. (Galatians 5:19-24) Which means walking in it is a sign of spiritual growth and intimacy with Jesus. Now, self-control in a sexual sense is not the only way to have and grow in self-control, I realize that. But it is kind of a big one. Side note: if I'm evaluating a potential partner for life, isn't self-control something I want him to have? Isn't his ability to control his sexual desires a great indicator of that? Just a thought.
Obedience and love go hand in hand. Jesus said that if we loved Him, we will keep His commandments. (John 14:15-26) So when we walk in obedience to His word, it's a way of loving Him, demonstrating that love and growing in intimacy with Him. Nothing has deepened my relationship with Jesus more than faithful obedience to His word.
It acknowledges that I am not my own. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) I'm just going to quote the verse straight up here--"You are not your own, for you have been bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." The goal is to glorify the One who loved me and died for me, not to satisfy my own desires. It's also a humbling thing, and humility is another thing that seems to be high on God's priority list. (see Philippians 2)
It is surrendering to God's work of sanctification in us. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8; 2 Timothy 20-22) God is constantly at work in our lives, shaping us to be more like Jesus and building us into "vessels" through which He can love the broken world around us more and more. Striving for purity in every way is a deep level of surrender to that cleansing work.
Sexual abstinence before marriage builds true intimacy. Okay, so, I don't really have a Bible verse for this one but it's something I've seen as I've observed relationships around me. I have friends who did not wait until they were married, and I have friends who did. One of the main differences I've observed in these relationships is that those who were having sex before they got married struggled more with real emotional intimacy, and conflict resolution. When you take sexual activity out of the equation before marriage, you have to talk through things instead of just making out to make up. This builds a foundation of commitment and emotional honesty in tremendous ways.
Does it get easier as time goes on?
Sorry, but...no. If anything, I struggle way more with the sex thing now than I did 15-20 years ago. Getting older doesn't make this easier. Remember that I said I'm positive I have teenagers who don't believe I have a sex drive? I know this because when we talk about relationships, sex stuff, etc., they will say to me, "But...it's so hard." As if I don't know. I always have to resist the urge to get real sarcastic and reply, "No, really?? I'm sorry, I didn't know that. Well, definitely, if it's hard, then just don't worry about it. I didn't realize it was hard, my apologies." (I've actually had these kids say things to me like, "Well, that's easy for you; you're 'Miss Haley.'" Kiddo, I did not get some kind of special pass on the hard things in life!)
So, no, it doesn't get "easier." But, it does get simpler. It does become more of an ingrained habit. Striving for purity, fleeing temptation, seeking out accountability, taking those desires to Jesus--they do become something that is second nature.
To be completely honest, part of what makes this soooo hard is the tick-tock of my biological clock. When I was in my early 20s and would make comments about wanting to get married already because I wanted to have kids, people would laugh at me and assure me that I had plenty of time. They're not laughing anymore. That's hard.
I realized the other day that I am currently the same age my mom was when she had my youngest brother. Which means she had 6 kids at this age, and one of them was 15 years old. That's hard.
I also recently realized that given the fact that I will be at least 35 before having my first child (if I ever get to have any), that will make me at least 53 before my first child is 18. I've had to let go of the expectation that I will be a young mom and take hold of the reality that I'm going to have to work a lot harder at being the energetic, engaged, active mom I want to be. That's hard.
And, I wanted to get an early start on having kids because I wanted to have a lot of them. "At least a dozen" was my standard answer to the "how many kids do you want?" question. I've had to release the dream of having alllll the kids; not that God is not capable of still making that happen, but it becomes less likely with every passing year. That's hard.
So I'm going to finish with this. To all the ones out there that push back against the idea of saving sex as something sacred for after getting married because "it's hard:"
I know. I hear you. It IS hard. I'm sorry. I wish I could make it less hard, for all of us.
But at the end of the day, when I push through the hard for the sake of honoring the One who endured hardship for me, I find this: He is worthy. And in the end, it's all about that.
He. is. worthy.
And He satisfies my soul like sex never will or could.
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