I’ve always been a dreamy romantic at heart. My mom likes to tell the story of when I was a little girl and she found pencil marks all over a door frame in our house. She questioned us kids, and we all insisted we had definitely not been drawing on the door frame. As she continued to press us, the story came out: I was a princess, locked in a tower, and the pencil had been my “key.” Yep, my special talent as a child was getting lost in my own little world.
Fast forward a few years, to when I was about 11 years old. I was just beginning to think boys were more cute than annoying, the concept of dating just starting to appear on my (distant) horizon. And then my parents came home from a conference and excitedly told us about this “new” concept they had heard about: courtship. Now, if you don’t already know, the definitions of “courtship” range from glorified dating, to just shy of arranged marriage. My parents, having just discovered the idea, weren’t sure yet where our family would land on the spectrum. But there was no question: dating was out and courtship was in for the Miller children.
My first reaction was not favorable. I had just started dreaming about dating boys, and my parents were already ruining my chances at romance! But I have smart parents. Maybe they didn’t do this for the purpose of “winning us over,” but they started finding every “courtship success story” they could get their hands on and giving it to us to read or listen to. A few stories in, and I was hooked. These stories had the beautiful ring of old-fashioned romance to them, and I quickly fell in love with the idea of a magical love story. The premise was simple: be willing to wait for God to bring the right one and you will get a man, and a story, worth waiting for. What girl doesn’t want that?!
Now, I'm not knocking the courtship scene, I still believe in old-fashioned romance, and I don't regret the decision to wait on God in this area of my life. BUT...what I took away from what I heard as a pre-teen, and what I still often hear in teaching on romance, has a premise that is flawed. If I'm only waiting because it guarantees that I will get a certain outcome, I'm waiting on the wrong thing, for the wrong reason, and I will be bitterly disappointed. God's goal is not to get me married, but to conform me to the image of His dear Son, Jesus (Romans 8:29). And although I do definitely want to get married and hope that someday I will, it's not my goal in life. My goal is to know Jesus and make Him known, to be each day a better representation of Him to the world around me.
So, I'm rebelling against the premise that says, "When you get married, it will be worth the wait!" Because as the years have continued to tick by, well past when I expected to test that theory for myself, I have come to realize two things: one, it doesn't always end in a happily ever after marriage. And two: I might not get married.
The good news is, whether I ever get married or not, the waiting is already worth it. I have a beautiful story to tell. A story of waiting and longing and learning and growing. A love story of a deeper love and intimacy than my little 11 year old self could have imagined, it's just not the one everyone expected. I feel like it's sort of the "other side" of the story, a success story that doesn't end with "guy meets girl"...at least, not yet. It's a story I love to tell, because it is the story of my Jesus, the Lover of my soul. I hope that it's a story that stirs others to love Him more because after all, who else is worthy?!
I'd like to propose this idea: the waiting will not be worth it in the end if I don't find worth in the waiting.
Now, I'm not saying that prolonged singleness is somehow better than young marriage. I don't believe that for a second! I think one of the greatest hurdles to this whole conversation is the assumption that one has to be "better than" the other. Marriage is not better than singleness, but the opposite is also true: singleness is not better than marriage. They simply are two very different seasons and God, in His sovereignty, knows exactly what seasons to take each individual through and for how long. (side bar: I'm real glad I'm not God! That's a huge responsibility.) So please hear me loud and clear: I am not saying that the worth I've found in waiting in singleness can't also be found in marriage. It very much can. This is just my story.
So what is the worth I have found in waiting on God for a husband and earthly love story? Let's see if I can find a way to put some of this into words.
One: I am free to love Jesus with my whole heart. Not only in the usual "because I don't have a husband/family to think about taking care of" sense, but also because I don't have a history of a broken heart. Pieces of my heart have not been given to a series of boys/men over the years. To clarify: if you have given away pieces of your heart, you can still have this whole-hearted-ness with the Lord!! Jesus is a Redeemer, Rescuer, and Restorer and He is more than able to give you a renewed heart if you will let Him!
Two: Loneliness has refined and focused my desires. The Hebrew word for "wait" is kaw-vaw' and it literally means to bind together (perhaps by twisting). As I've waited on God, I've been "bound together" with Him in ways I never dreamed possible. It has been in the waiting on Him that my will has become more one with His. Note I said "more," because this is a process I anticipate lasting all my life! I have a sweet intimacy with Jesus that is my greatest joy and most cherished treasure.
Three: Jesus is my best friend. I've been so blessed with a great community of people around me, but that doesn't mean I don't often feel very alone. There is a loneliness that can be soul deep, and here's something I've learned from talking to some married people: it's not actually peculiar to single people. However, we do have less in the way of substitutes to get in the way of discovering that only Jesus can fill that void. So, when I say Jesus is my best friend, I'm not being cliche. I mean it to the core of my being--He is my best friend, my ride or die, if you will.
Four: I don't need a man. Now, if you know me, you know that I am almost the farthest thing possible from a modern feminist! I believe in Biblical definitions of both femininity and masculinity, I believe the two genders are different for a reason and that we are created to complement each other. But we were not created to complete each other. I am not half of a whole! I am complete in Jesus, as I am. Whether I'm single or married, He is enough. Being single longer than I expected has caused me to grow in my understanding of this in some really cool ways, especially as I've pursued ministry as a single woman. I am strong and independent in ways 20 year old me wouldn't have thought possible, for sure!
Five: God's dreams are bigger than mine. This might be a "duh!" thing, I guess, but seriously: my plan for my life was pretty narrow. It was very focused on me and what I wanted, and instead God has given me a rich, incredible life filled with people I would never have known, children I would never have had the chance to love and influence, and adventures I never would have had by "following MY dreams."
Six: I am loved. Maybe that's weird, that I've discovered and lived and grown in this in significant ways by not being loved by a special someone. But then, I don't really claim to be normal. I have had the opportunity to be loved by a wide variety of people in a lot of ways because I didn't have a single person that was expected to love me in those ways. For example, I've experienced the protective love of my dad, brothers, and other Godly men the Lord has placed in my life to take care of me, whether by rescuing me when the car breaks down, killing bugs, or helping me hang things on my walls. Because I've been loved well by my community, I know what real love looks like and am less likely to fall for a false image of it. I also am not dependent on one person to give me value or define my worth, which is a trap I see a lot of girls/women fall into so often.
Seven: Jesus is enough. I know I've mentioned this in a couple ways already, but I want to emphasize here to finish. Jesus. is. enough. He is enough to satisfy the deepest longings of my heart, enough to carry the weight of my emotions when I can't, enough to give me value and identity, enough to take me on the greatest adventures, enough to love me, enough to build my life around, enough in every way. He is the Lover of my soul, and I don't have words for how sweet that is to me. He is the Center of my joy, and I can't express the fullness of that, either. He defies explanation, but it boils down to this: Jesus is enough.
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