Chase Jesus. Really and truly, this is THE most important thing for anyone, in any stage of life, to remember. More than chasing dreams, goals, applause, status, money, power, attention, or even relationships, we need to be chasing Jesus. We need to be building our lives around Him, in every detail. I want to pursue the one who has pursued me since before I was born!
Marriage is not eternal. The only relationship that is going to last for eternity is the one you build with Jesus. Parents, siblings, friends, spouses, children--they matter and are important and are certainly worth investing in, but they are not forever. But Jesus... He IS forever. So wouldn't it make sense that I would put MORE effort into my relationship with Him than I put into anything else?! I do that by spending time with Him in prayer, worship and the Bible; by considering His desires in the decisions I make; by loving the things He loves (hint: It's people. He loves people.); and by reflecting His influence in my life through the things I think, do and say. It's about loving Jesus MORE, wanting Jesus MORE, than anything else. It doesn't mean I don't also love and want other things or people, but it's a question of where they fall on my priority list. If you want to read a poem full of honest emotion on this topic, check out It's Me Again from my last post in November.
You are not half of a whole. Your life doesn't start with marriage, or even a romantic relationship. Your value is not found in anyone else and it can only be defined by the Creator. By the way, He determined that you were worth His very life! I don't think a higher value could ever be given.
The only one who can, will, and does "complete you" is Jesus. If you do get married someday, the person you marry should complement you. You should balance each other in beautiful ways. But you will never complete each other. And if you are looking to them to complete you, not only will you be disappointed, it is a weight no one will be able to bear. An earthly relationship can never sustain that kind of expectation. However, if you place your fulfillment and satisfaction in Jesus, then whether you are in a relationship or not you will be complete. For more of my thoughts on this idea, check out the blog post that kicked off this series almost a year ago: singularly satisfied
Don't settle. This one could also be "don't let feeling lonely make your decisions for you." Or, "don't get so desperate you're willing to compromise the wrong things." Or, "don't be afraid to have high standards!" I have been told so many times by so many people, even people I deeply admire and respect, that my standards are too high. I don't take that lightly; I often go back to the Lord and ask Him, "Am I expecting too much? Do I have an unattainable standard set?" And, there are things that I used to consider important that He has gently crossed off my list (yes; there is an actual list). But there are also things I hadn't considered that He has added to that list. I'm not looking for perfection, but I am looking for a man who is chasing after Jesus with all his heart. The standard is high, and I will not settle. After all, I plan to invest the rest of my life in this relationship; I want to make sure it's worth the investment!
But, sometimes when the loneliness is strong and the waiting is long, it can be soooo tempting to settle. Has anyone else ever looked around at the available options and talked yourself into being attracted to something that's just a little less than the standard you've held?? Please tell me I'm not the only one!! It can be easy to convince myself that this one little thing isn't actually a big deal. I'm really glad the Lord has protected me in those moments, because I look back on them and think, "what was I thinking?! That would have been so _____ (annoying, draining, relationship-destroying...varying degrees of not fun)!"
So I guess here's what I want to say: be willing to continually evaluate and re-evaluate your standard for a spouse with Jesus. Allow Him to make whatever revisions to your "list," whether literal or metaphorical, that need to be made. Just don't let what you can see as available options change your standard. When you feel lonely or desperate, run to Jesus. Not to a relationship. Don't settle!
The grass is not greener. Ask the married people in your life. Is marriage great? Sure. The married people I know are very happily married, and they love it. But if they tell you it's easier than being single, I'd question that. Both singleness and marriage have their own unique blend of struggle and joy, and neither is "better than" the other! Paul said his opinion was that it would be better for people to stay single; Solomon said that he who finds a wife finds a good thing. Believe it or not, they're both right! While single, if you're someone who wants to get married, it can seem like if you could just get there all the problems would be over. The loneliness, the struggle for purity, the desire for family and belonging would all be solved in a snap. But I have talked to lonely wives. I have heard married people discuss how hard it is to stay pure in our sex-crazed world. I have seen spouses struggle with figuring out where they fit in the world. Singleness is not a disease, and marriage is not the cure. Both are hard. Both have the potential to be filled with joy. Both are worth the battle.
A key part of this is remembering that marriage is not the endgame. It is not the goal, or shouldn't be, at least. God's goal is not to get me married; His goal is to shape me to be more like Jesus every day. Since that is His goal, shouldn't it be mine, too? I want to be yielded to Him, whether I'm single, dating, engaged or married--to let Him have His way in my life in every season.
Attraction is good, not shameful. I recently had a conversation with some pre-teen girls. One of them was talking about a boy she likes, but she refused to tell her friends who he was because she thought they would then make fun of her about it. She said, "It's kind of embarrassing to care for someone." It made me sad. We live in a world obsessed with sex and relationships, yet we are also somehow embarrassed about it and seek to keep it hidden away in a dark corner or something. By the way, this is what gives attraction so much power it can pull us into making poor decisions!
We are built for attraction. As I recently said in teaching at 321, our House of Faith program for teens: God invented sex and He wired us to want it. It is normal to be attracted to another person in this way, and the fact that we need to yield that attraction to Jesus so we only act in accordance to His plan and design does NOT make the attraction bad or shameful. I think if we could normalize healthy conversations about attractions we experience, unhealthy relationships would automatically be reduced. If I'm free to be open about my attractions with a trusted Christian sister (and I am!), then it never holds an uncontrollable power over me because it is out in the open. But if I keep it hidden because I see it as an embarrassing, weird, or shameful thing, it's way too easy to obsess over it to the point of acting on it without properly evaluating if that action honors the Lord or not.
There's more on this topic in my post "Sex & the Good Christian Single"
Stop trying to stop expecting/wanting it. This one is a pet peeve of mine. The number of times I have actually heard/read someone saying some version of, "God will bring the right one when you're least expecting it, so just stop looking for it and it will happen," kind of makes me sick. Sometimes it's an accidental message--I get it, if someone is telling their story and "I just wasn't expecting it" happens to be part of the story, that's pretty innocent. But just because it's part of someone's story doesn't make it some kind of teaching point. We can't work toward being content in Jesus when we're hanging onto a thought process that says, "....so that He will bring my spouse to me." Yet we are bombarded with this mindset. And here's what I have to say in response:
Learn to be content and satisfied in Jesus because He is truly enough, not in some kind of twisted attempt to get a romantic relationship.
On the flip side, as I mentioned before, there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married. I really don't think God is sitting in heaven watching you and thinking, "Well, I want to give you this but you've got to stop wanting it first." Like...what?? No. He's a good, good Father who delights to give good, good things to His children. Don't be afraid to ask, and to keep on asking, for a spouse if that's something you desire. God is the one to go to with that desire, anyway!
Be fully engaged in "now." Leslie Ludy writes about her sister-in-law, who was also an "older single," being asked, "Do you think that you are called to singleness?" I love her answer, and it is one that has calmed my anxious soul many times: "Today, I am." What a perfect response! I want to live fully in "now", today, this moment. I don't mean that I ignore the importance of investing in the future, especially from an eternal perspective. But am I actually investing in the future if I'm obsessing over the future? Overthinking about the future tends to lead either to fear or false hope; living in the reality of now brings freedom to just be faithful to what I know God has called me to be and do today.
Jesus loves you NOW, today, and He is in pursuit of your heart. You don't have to wait for another person to show you that love, it is already yours!! That is a breathtaking truth. I don't know about you, but I want to live fully and freely in the stunning beauty of that love and pursuit!
Who you are becoming matters. Becoming. It's such a lovely word because it's such an ongoing process. We never fully "arrive" while we live on earth. With it being such a journey, all the little steps can seem so unimportant, but guess what? They aren't. Every little step, every part of who you are becoming each day, matters.
If you want to get married, be intentional about becoming the kind of person you will need to be. Consider what needs to happen in every area of your life for you to be ready to build the kind of God-honoring, healthy relationship you want to have. Are there practical skills you can learn or develop? Is there mental or emotional healing that needs to happen? How can you grow spiritually? What are some ways you can pursue the dreams God has given you? How can you develop constantly improving relational skills?
The time and energy you put into those things matters. Whether you ever get married or not, you will be growing as the person God created and called you to be.
There is worth in the waiting. I wrote a whole post about this (Worth in the Waiting) so let me just sum up here: If you are only waiting because you want a certain outcome, you will be disappointed. All my life I have been told, "Wait on God and you'll get a guy/story worth waiting for!" I believe that there is more worth to this waiting than that, so I am countering with this statement: the waiting will not be worth it in the end if I don't find worth in the waiting. And Jesus IS the worth in the waiting. Build into your relationship with Him and you will not be disappointed, whatever else the waiting may or may not bring your way!
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